NEW YORK—Following on the heels of the surprise release of her new album, Lemonade, over the weekend, Beyoncé unexpectedly debuted a brand-new song Monday about how purchasing a subscription to the streaming music service Tidal is the most empowering action a woman can take, sources confirmed.
OCALA, FL—Speaking somberly while staring off into the distance, local resident Mike Budd, a man who regularly wears tinted, wraparound Oakley sunglasses upside down on the back of his head, told reporters Monday that he is still recovering from the 2013 death of actor Paul Walker.
WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were unable to convey the full extent of their gratitude that the plot of the hit HBO series had finally surpassed the events of the novels, citizens across the country expressed immense relief Sunday that all the insufferable little Game Of Thrones fans would no longer be able to lord the books over everyone else just trying to enjoy the show.
LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
COATESVILLE, PA—Calling his bowing and candle-work “sloppy at best,” parishioners at Holy Family Church told reporters yesterday that new altar boy Christopher Mains, 11, was clearly not ready for the spotlight of the 10 a.m. BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by the sociology department at Tufts University, the average American completely wastes 77 years of his or her life not listening to the adult contemporary soft-rock classic “The Finer Things” by Steve Winwood.
NEW YORK—Revealing that the creative demands of the long-running public radio program take a substantial toll, Ira Glass told reporters Thursday that he was exhausted from single-handedly doing all the voices for each episode of This American Life.
Glass, who has personally recorded the vocal tracks for every reporter, essayist, and interviewee character since the show debuted in 1995, confirmed that after 539 episodes, the labor-intensive process leaves him feeling fatigued and mentally drained by the end of each week’s broadcast.
Though 48 years old and employed full time waiting tables at a New American bistro, local man Phillip Ames sadly does not spend his downtime working on any creative side projects, sources reported Thursday. LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.
SANDUSKY, OH—Immediately standing up from his seat and striding quickly past other visitors as soon as the snack was over, Cedar Point amusement park patron Paul Matazaro reportedly raced back to the end of the line for another funnel cake Thursday.WASHINGTON—In recognition of the 1981 live album’s contribution to the metal pioneers’ legacy, the Library of Congress announced Tuesday that No Sleep ’Til Hammersmith had been added to the National Motörhead Registry.CHANHASSEN, MN—Ending rampant speculation regarding the extent of the late musician’s catalogue of unreleased recordings, the executors of Prince’s estate announced Monday that the performer’s famed vault in his Paisley Park residence sadly contains 37,000 hours of Billy Joel covers.“I have to say, I still love doing the program, and I embrace the challenge of creating different kinds of stories populated by interesting and unusual characters, but that undertaking can definitely wear you out,” said Glass, who sipped from a mug of honey-lemon tea while recalling the long 18- to 20-hour days spent alone in the recording studio.“Just to be clear, there’s nothing more rewarding than coming up with all these new characters every week.I delve in, play around with my voice, and experiment with a dialect or fine-tune a cadence until I capture exactly what, for example, a superior court judge or 12-year-old sleepaway camper should sound like.” “The emotional investment involved in performing as an African-American schoolteacher struggling with budget cuts or a grown woman just learning she was switched at birth can be extremely taxing,” said Glass.